The Death Grip

I signed up for a book talk through my toddler group and then never went. But I did read (am actually not quite finished to be honest) the book, A Nation of Wimps-The High Cost of Invasive Parenting by Hara Estroff Marano. The premise is that today's parents are not only hovering over their children and everything they do but actually have a 'death grip' on them that lasts through their college years. Yes, the new term 'death grip parent' is now replacing 'helicopter parent'. The book is based in psychology and lots of research studies and being a former psychology student myself I did enjoy all the references to study groups, conferences, universities and observations.
Parts of the book I wholeheartedly agree with are:
*Kids need to play more. Not structured activity time but imaginative play, where they make up the games, the rules, etc. and no adult is butting in to make sure things are fair, scrutinize the rules, etc.
*Kids need recess at school. Kids who have more recess time at school enjoy school more and WANT to go to school more.
*Kids need more play based pre-school programs. In a study done in the U.S. kids who came into school with an academic based pre-school background did perform better on reading tasks at first but were no better by the end of first grade than kids from a play based (more traditional) pre-school. However, the academic based kids were more depressed at the end of first grade (i.e. did not enjoy school, learning, etc.) and the play based kids happier.
**That is exactly why I have my kids enrolled in a pre-school program whose mission statement is "Children learn through play". And that's what the research proves. "The opposite of play is not work. It's depression."
*Giving kids unrealistic expectations is bad. E.g. If you don't go to Harvard you are a failure. Of course no one would ever say that explicitly to their child (we hope not!) but by always demanding perfection (100% on every spelling test, all A's (or in our case 3's and 4's) on report cards, making the goals at the games, etc. etc.) whether we're aware of it or not we are unknowingly setting up kids for depression and anxiety. I have to admit I am guilty of this sometimes. It's frustrating when my child doesn't study and gets a bunch of words wrong on her test. But am I harming her by asking her to get 100% because I know she is capable? That's where the waters gets murky. We just need to be careful that our kids don't equate "accomplishments to self worth". Basically, don't let your kid become your project!
*The Love and Logic Principle--if your school age child forgets their HW at home do you run it to school or let them feel the consequences of forgetting? L&L says you let them feel the consequences, so they LEARN for next time. Apparently that's not what parents are doing these days. Not only are they running their child's HW/permission slips/sports gear etc. to school but they are doing the HW for the kids, constantly meeting witht the teachers to demand better grades, sending letters to administrators, and getting kicked out of sports events. And this isn't just the grade schools. This is happening in COLLEGE! Colleges are now having to put together pamphlets for "Parental Standards of Behavior" at sporting events. Parents are now contacting their child's college professor to debate a grade or assignment. Okay, I would have DIED if my parents did this in college. But I guess if you grow up with a 'death grip' parent this is the norm.
While reading this book I thought of another I'd read in years past and decided to reread, "The Three Martini Playdate". Yes, some of it is a joke, but the basic idea is to let go and let your kid live their life, even at a young age. The 'Three Martini' chapter is a test for potential parents of playdates. When they come to pick up their child offer them a martini (duing cocktail hour of course). If they look at you in horror and trot their young one out of there as if your house were on fire, you know not to invite that child back. But if they gladly accept with open arms and tell you how much they desperately would LOVE one, you know you've found a friend indeed! Naturally I would not offer a cocktail to someone I've only met once or twice (nor do I make them on a regular basis in my home) but I think this can equate to a glass of wine. The book goes on to encourage parents to let their kids be kids....let them fall of their bike and scrape their knee, don't babyproof the ENTIRE house..kids need to learn not to run into coffee tables and hearths and not to play in the toilet, don't cook entirely different meals for the kids..you are not a waitress. Basically life skills. Not everything will be baby or child proof where they go to, not everyone is willing to make them a special meal (how else will they learn to love feta, babaghnoush, and sushi unless they try it?? sometimes by force if necessary). I remember someone telling me their pediatrician told them "Kids are like dogs, you need to run them". He encouraged her to send them out to regular outdoor time (without you outside with them). Strap on raincoats, snow coats or boots and send them out for 3o minutes unaccompanied. Let them explore and figure out what to do. Kids need to experience boredom..it leads to day dreams, fantasies, imaginary friends, creative writing, reading w/o being asked to, making forts, etc. And those experiences are exactly what lead to funtional, successful and creative thinking adults, who don't move back in with you when they graduate from college, and isn't that really the goal in parenting? I know it is for me!. :)