Observations from a 'Lonely Only': Part Two

Okay, the reason I was rereading the book was to gather some insight and advice into parenting a family of four. The first step was to analyze ourselves as parents (focusing on myself was easy, after all I am a 'lonely only' or 'super first born' and that's what we're best at!). Turns out since we both lean to the perfectionistic side of things we need to be very careful not to transfer this in our way of expectations for our kids (especially our first born). Point #1 to remember:
1. "Children need encouragement more than prodding--just say, everything's going to be okay. What's the problem? Do you say that isn't working out right? Can I help you?"
Why is this so much easier for me to do in the classroom and not with my own kids. Instead what tends to come out is, "You can do it. Just focus and try harder. Push yourself. I'm not helping you with the whole thing" etc. etc.
Dr. Leman says, "The point is that teaching kids to seek excellence instead of pursuing perfectionism can start when they're very young." This is all very helpful in dealing with my own first born daughter and the best way to parent (or not to parent)her. But what about the rest of the pack?
Middle Children: of which I have two. My son, second in the family but the first born son, will most likely display first born and middle child characteristics. So far he seems to float along like a middle child. Very unconcerned about schedules, rules, etc. In Kindergarten earlier this year he didn't come in for recess. Teacher called the office and eventually the whole school was on lookout for him. He was found out at the big kids' recess time (which comes right after his) still playing in the dirt at the edge of the field. He simply "didn't hear the bell ring" (or notice that all his friends left) and stayed engrossed in what he was doing. He very casually went back to class and attempted to join right in with what was now going on. Even when he discussed it with the Principal (yes, our son has already been to the Principal's office in Kindergarten) he was very laid back about it, not upset where he was at all. In fact, we didn't even learn about this until big sis informed us that evening! Would this have ever happened to her? No way, no how! She has NEVER been to the Principal's office and I think would "die" on the spot if she was sent there. As our first born, she is a true rule follower and schedule abider. Our third child, a girl, is a true middle child, easy going, laid back and sociable. What can we do as parents for our middle children so they don't feel "squeezed"?
1. Recognize that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Make sure to give them special time alone with you to talk and basically just feel special.
2.Make sure they get their own special priveleges and not always get the hand me down clothes and toys
3. Listen carefully to their explanations to get the true story. They tend to be conflict avoiders and want to please others.
4. Make sure to finish their baby books too (and include lots of pictures with just them in it!). Uh oh, I'm in big trouble here.
Finally, the baby of the family.....the ones who get away with murder. Yes, they tend to be more manipulative but they also get manipulated by their older siblings more often (maybe that's where they learn it from??). They tend to be more dependent and coddled and cuddled way more (okay, this is all sounding very real...). Last borns tend to "like to be read to" but to actually be the poorest readers of the family. My last born takes "likes to be read to" to a whole new level; following us around the house with stacks of books (or puzzles) pleading "read to me! read to me in my room. read to me on couch. read to me!!!!!" until someone gives in. It will be interesting to follow her reading development over time. In addition we should:
1. Make a big deal out of her accomplishments (no matter how many times we've received a bejeweled candle holder from pre-school class).
2. FINISH HER BABY BOOK (before adulthood)
3. Don't ease up on the rules and consequences for her as she gets older
4. Make sure she has jobs and chores too, from an early age
5. Make sure she marries a first born!
And hopefully this will help all four to grow up to be equally well adjusted and competent adults....and feel less in competition with each other and decrease the fighting and rivalry...one can only hope and pray!